The Greatest Insults Part II: Mark Twain was an Asshole
Read Part I: The Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks
Read Part III: The Best Political Insults
Mark Twain on Jane Austen
If ever a writer despised another writer, Mark Twain would be that first writer. The second would be Jane Austen.
One of the most famous authors in United States history and a man who never, ever looks happy with having his picture taken, Mark Twain, the author of the Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, among many others, led a long and colorful life filled with adventure, fame and fortune.1 He held many particularly poignant views, including those on imperialism, the dominion of the rapidly growing United States of America, as well as on politics and civil rights – being an ardent abolitionist. So he wasn’t a total asshole.
Mark Twain has become one of the Internet’s darling quote factories, posthumously churning out made-up wisdom he likely never said. This is a common trend ignorantly applied to old, dead white men2 represented in black and white photos with crazy white hair, a trend he shares with Einstein and Lincoln.
However, the Internet aside, many of his actual quotes are pretty cool and [probably] real. Twain was, and remains, well known for his comedic and occasionally fiery wit. Certainly not afraid to apply a fair degree of vitriol to those he thought to be poor wordsmiths – Twain had no issue with most-mercilessly laying into his contemporaries and forebears alike.
Numbered among Twain’s list of undesirables were famous names such as James Fenimore Cooper and Robert Louis Stevenson, both also legendary writers of classic English literature.
But above and beyond all, his choice words for Jane Austen are enough to give pause to most people:
In a letter to Rev. Dr. Joseph Twichell3 dated September 13th, 1898, Mr. Twain said the following:
“I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shinbone.”
That got dark fast.
I love this quote because you’re not sure how to feel about it. On the one hand, you are certainly amused, and on the other, probably somewhat taken aback. I guess that’s part of what makes an insult good, though, right?
But, Twain really had a bone to pick with Austin so obviously there’s more. A few years later, in 1909, he was at it again in a letter to W.D. Howell:
“…to me his prose is unreadable — like Jane Austen’s. No, there is a difference. I could read his prose on salary, but not Jane’s. Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death.”
Wtf, man?
Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately by the sound of it – Austen died nearly 20 years before Twain was born, so she never had a chance to make a retort.
Conclusion
You can decide for yourself whether you consider Twain’s quotes to be “insults” in the conventional sense. I can see why you may not. However, I’d like to think that if you suggest that a writer’s work is so bad that they should be desecrated, posthumously dismembered, or brutally murdered for it, it probably constitutes an insult. What do you think? Know of any other instances of Twain tweaking out on someone? Leave a comment with your thoughts!
Thanks for reading this way-shorter-than-usual mini-post. Stay tuned for the full article – or the next mini-post – whichever comes first. In the meantime, if you haven’t done so already, click the link below:
Read Part I: The Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks
Read Part III: The Best Political Insults
Apex-editor of Languages Around the Globe, collector of linguists, regaler of history, accidental emmigrant, serial dork and English language mercenary and solutions fabricator. Potentially a necromancer. All typos are my own.
